Remember ME

A couple of days ago Alissia told me about a great conversation she had with one of her clients who is only 15. Many things led up to the point I want to share, but out of respect for their privacy, I just want to share the part that really spoke to me. Alissia asked her client how she wanted to be remembered when she died and after some thought her answer was "Whole-hearted." What a beautiful answer. When I was 15, I was much more concerned with being well liked. It's not that I wasn't still nice, helpful, funny or any of the other adjectives that have been used to describe me, just that I had an insatiable desire for the approval of others. I didn't yet know how to approve of myself and let the rest go.

This also got me thinking about our lives, others' opinions of us and what really matters. I used to live in constant fear that other people might think about me the same way I thought about me. My worst nightmare was to have someone say aloud the things which I told myself, about myself over and over in my head. I had a bad habit of focusing only on the negative. In fact, I'm sitting here thinking that this was something that I worked on intensely years ago when I started working to love and accept body but actually, I'm reminded of a conversation I had with my mom during the Omega 4 workshop where I met Alissia. Another participant had made me incredibly angry and I was being very harsh with myself for being in the midst of a self knowledge workshop and judging so critically. (It didn't occur to me that I was judging myself even more harshly.) I was truly heart broken that I found myself in a place of Knowing how I wanted to be in the world and failing, ONCE AGAIN, to live it.

I described myself as a bad person and my mom just looked at me like I was nuts. In that moment, I had no awareness of good things I had done, people I had helped, smiles I had caused. It was such a narrow and biased picture of myself that my mom didn't even recognize the description as fitting me. (Oh Thank God for the people in our lives who see us even when, no especially when, we can't see ourselves!!)

I have not always been loving, trusting, truthful or giving but that does not mean that I never have been either. When I die, people aren't going to stand up and say "Oh that Kieta. She could have been great but instead she mainlined sugar, procrastinated on her opportunities and was not very responsible with money." No, that's what my inner critic would say but I know that the people who have loved me would honor the moments when I managed to show up as ME. The less than positive stuff, and we all have our share, doesn't get brought up at The End so why do I dwell so hard on it now?

I am so much more than I let myself hope (and so are YOU but I try to keep this blog to my truth). I was created to be GREAT but often settle for great. What blockades have I placed in my life, via self judgment, that limit the Universe from working through me fully? What would my life look like if I just let go? I have many ideas but I think now is a time to let go of thinking and just Be. I'll let you know what happens after that. :)