The. Finish. Line.

I did it. I Actually wrote 31 blog posts in 31 days! Oh. Em. Gee. *dance dance*

Ok, moving on, because I feel like I've been mentioning that accomplishment a lot lately. Today I'm thinking about completion. That feeling of success when you finish something up, especially if it has been a long time coming.

In the past, my reaction to finishing something has been to take a good long break and rest up before I take on something new. After all, I've earned it, right? Please note for anyone who has just accomplished something, I'm not saying that you don't have the right to celebrate. I'm specifically thinking of My tendency to achieve something and then retreat into utter inactivity as a reward. I now know this to be a very poorly chosen reward.

Ramping up all the effort to tackle some project or other creates a beautiful momentum. When I decide to take a week off once I'm done, I effectively take myself right back out of flow and have to start all over again when I pick my next effort. Instead of harnessing my success to achieve another one, my habit has been to do nothing and then have to repeat the heavy lifting at some future date.

In an effort to do something different this time, I have signed up for a new challenge which starts tomorrow. It's called the 30 day Bravery challenge and is geared towards helping its participants step around fear to reach their goals. You choose the goal yourself, but needless to say, it should be something that requires risks - the kind that cause your palms to sweat or butterflies to polka in your stomach.

Many years ago I was challenged to take a risk, just for the sake of facing fear. I chose to take a poem I had written to myself and go read it publicly. I started at a gas station but people were pretty well practiced at ignoring the people around them, so then I went to a shopping center and approached individuals and asked if I could read it to them. Even thinking about this now still makes my stomach flutter but I did it. I didn't garner any huge praise or a following for my poetry (I Rarely write poetry so I think I'm ok with that) but I did gain a sense of pride in my ability to kick back at fear.

Last year on my birthday Alissia and I went to the top of the Willis (formerly Sears) tower since we had just moved to Chicago. At the top, they have glass boxed in balconies where you can look down however many floors and just FEEL the height. I'm afraid of heights, so I chose this act as a birthday celebratory activity on purpose. To be fair, I nearly hyperventilated before I actually managed to step out, but in the end I Did step out.

So, fueled by my ability to take on fear and my newfound discipline to write daily, I am going to work on the following list of things during the month of August (some of which produce fear, others just resistance, but either way - they're going down!):

1) I will set up and market my reiki/life coaching business. (I have the table, now I just need to seriously work on letting people know that I'm here)
2) I will work on one chapter a week of my novel.
3) I will go to yoga three times a week.

Alissia reads my blog, so I know that I will have her holding me accountable but thanks to my awareness of my strengths (highlighted by participation in this blogging challenge) I have faith in my ability to not let myself off the hook either. With my inner critic on mute, my biggest challenge for the month of August is to be my own best ally. It's about darn time.

What finish line will you be crossing next month? If that's too big, how about next week or tomorrow?

Grace Abounds

Today while Graceland I were out for our morning walk, we met a cockapoo named Gracie. Frequently we call Graceland an abundance of nicknames, one of which is Gracie. My mom's schnoodle is also named Gracie and my grandmother (whose ring I'm now wearing!!) was named Grace as well. Clearly, I am surrounded.

Thanks to my post last night on Facebook about Alissia's proposal, I have received so many kind, loving, beautiful messages and a lot of "likes". A few people from my past, who I am connected with via Facebook but haven't talked to in Years have thrown in their support, even a few whose religious beliefs don't really mesh well with same sex relationships. Inwardly (and not outwardly on my blog) I cheer any time that I see love and respect for people trump our perceived differences. I am continually amazed by the awesomeness of the people that the Universe has brought through my life in its various ways.

I wasn't blogging back when I proposed to Alissia, so for those who don't know that story, I'll recap here before I tell of her proposal to me last night.



In Chicago we have a beautiful botanical garden. It's huge and has different areas for all kinds of geographical areas. My favorite, though, is the Japanese garden. In addition to all of the plants (miniture and huge bonsai trees!!) they have a few rock gardens which are raked into patterns to promote inner peace, meditation and a sanctuary of beauty.

On the day that I took Alissia, we had a staff member explaining the various components of the garden. It was an amazingly beautiful and spiritual description and then, just as she was wrapping up her explanation another staff member came and let her know that due to the cold weather, they were being taken off duty early. I wish I could say that I planned this out with the staff ahead of time, but it was just the Universe having my back. Alone in a garden at the top of a hill, I asked Alissia to marry me with her grandmother's ring. She cried and said yes. We were officially engaged but she still planned to propose to me and give me my grandmother's ring... at some undisclosed point in the future.

 Fast forward to last night. It was an ordinary day. We didn't have any plans. In fact, I was babysitting from 3-8, planning to take a bus home and just barely see Alissia before she went to sleep since she gets up at 4am. She sent me a text message saying that Graceland wanted to go out so she was outside. I was in the middle of getting 3 kids to clean up before bed time. I thought it was odd that she was texting me about taking the dog for a walk, but I didn't give it a whole lot of thought. At 8, I went straight to the bus, and was on my way home when I got a follow up message asking if I was ever coming outside.

It was then that I realized that she had decided to pick me up from work and was outside the house I babysat for. I got off the bus and let her come get me about a mile down the road, apologizing profusely for being dense enough to miss her nice surprise. I still didn't know that this had anything to do with rings and proposals. I thought she just wanted to see me for an extra 20 minutes or so. It was still pretty cool and I felt bad for messing it up.

When we got out of the car I noticed that she was wearing a t-shirt with Cookie Monster on it. As I've talked about in several of my posts, lately we've been talking a lot about child like joy and how things needn't always be so serious. The shirt got hauled out during one of our discussions about this and I now associate it very strongly with innocence and play. Alissia suggested that we take Graceland to the park and just run around and play a little bit.

So it was there at the park, while playing on swings and running around with our dog that Alissia asked me to be "forever young" (yes, insert a Rod Stewart earworm here) with her and pulled out my grandmother's ring. I laughed and said yes. Obviously, a second proposal is more of a formality, since a couple is already engaged but I really love how this second set of circumstances fits the dynamic of our relationship. Ours is not a flashy billboard or football game proposal kind of love. We don't need panoramic views of the city, expensive dinner or daredevil adventure... just to laugh, play and love each other, by the grace of God, forever. :)

Return on Investment

29 days ago I signed up for a challenge to write 31 blog posts in 31 days. At the time, I wasn't 100% sure that I would post every single day. The rules allowed for makeup posts and I felt like it was a very likely possibility that I would rely on that option at least a couple of times once life got busy. A funny thing happened though, once I started writing daily. It was fun, it had such a feel of purpose that I began to prioritize the commitment. It wasn't just some challenge I'd signed up for, but a promise to myself to do something for myself, something I loved, daily.

As the challenge is nearing its end, I am so proud of myself for not having missed a day. This has very little to do with the challenge and everything to do with a feeling of gratitude to myself for taking care of myself in this way. There have been countless promises I have made to myself over the years that I have broken. The experience of keeping this one has restored some of my faith in myself. Trust can be a difficult concept when you can't even trust yourself but I am repairing some of those old wounds from broken promises and alleviating the guilt and shame I carry because of them.

Lesa Townsend, the creator of this challenge, has sent out an email daily with tips for blogging. A lot of them focus on blogs for a particular business endeavor, not as much to a personal blog but today a business term mentioned, ROI, really stuck out to me. My investment in this writing time has provided many unexpected returns beyond increased blog traffic.

A fellow blogger introduced me to Byron Katie in a comment to one of my posts. I have greatly enjoyed going through her Worksheet and reviewing some of the beliefs that I've held, that were holding me back. Another listed me in a post of 7 blogs she recommended that others check out. Those of you who have being paying close attention know that I've also forged a new friendship with another blogger and will be joining her in a new challenge in August. I would not have met these women, been encouraged and inspired by them, without this challenge and without catering to my own passion, sharing my thoughts, hopes, dreams, goals etc.

I've also been reading a lot of other peoples' blogs thanks to the challenge and getting some great information, motivation, tips for certain things like writing and business development. While the actual time I have put into these efforts (reading and writing) has been fairly minimal, my returns have been an enormous blessing.

I believe that this dynamic is true of all life. When you begin to invest in yourself, in your passions, in building bridges of commitment and trust, you build a much more enjoyable life for yourself and consequently contribute positively to those around you. As I continue on a path to be of service to the world, to help create change, today I am reminded that investments into my own service and change are the best possible starting point.

A New Endeavor

Today I created a logo for a new blog project I have in mind. I know, I know, Another blog. Don't worry, I won't be expecting my friends and loved ones to read twice the content. After the 31 day blog challenge, I anticipate posting here 4 days a week and on my other blog 3 days a week. Then I'll still be blogging daily but spreading out my efforts to reach different audiences.

Rather than  go on and on about my other project, please feel free to slip on over to Lesbian @ Large to see my first post if you're interested.

Here at The Kieta Life, however, I'm focusing on that super crazy wonderful feeling you get when you are working on things you are passionate about. The creative energy in our home today is off the charts. I'm working on logos, blog design and posts, oh my! and Alissia is writing away in her journal and working on her book. I'm certain that if you measured the vibrational frequency of our livingroom right now, it would be off the charts.

Today is the perfect example of what people mean when they say stuff like "When you do what you love, it isn't work." It's Sunday, a day for kicking back and getting ready to do the work week all over again and yet here we are furiously typing away. We're together. We're purposeful. We're happy.

As I was getting up to make us lunch, it occurred to me that I have been at this for about 6 hours so far today. Part of my mind said, "Take a break, you've earned it." A break? I'm taking bites of chicken taquito while I type and still totally dialed in. A break at this point would be a setback rather than a much needed breath of air. I LOVE when I feel like this. It sure beats the days when all I feel like doing (note I say feel like as opposed to making this a reality) is watching tv all day.

Thanks to the positive encouragement of several different people lately, I really feel like I'm on a roll with all kinds of projects, not just my new blog. I have my reiki table, the owner of the center I contacted last week got back to me about classroom space for a workshop, I'm co-working on some curriculum, I'm working on two different books. Life. Is. Good.

Financially, I haven't yet made all of this effort profitable. Emphasis on the word Yet. I believe that as my actions, energies and intentions align with my passions, finances will fall in line as well. The future is bright, my friends. :)

Massage. Table. Awesomeness.

Today I became the proud owner of my very own massage table. It is by Oakworks (continuously listed online as one of the all time best brands in the industry) and it is a great width, with suitably squishy but supportive padding. I'm so excited I could pee. (I won't... though a quote from many years ago just popped into my head that only some of my friends will appreciate, but those who do will Love... "Pee your pants less!")

I found it on Craigslist instead of buying a brand new one. I don't have that much extra money laying around and besides, this one was barely used by a massage student who had to give up her program of study due to health reasons. Alissia has already had an impromptu reiki treatment on the new table and is a pretty big fan. While there aren't any other reiki masters in the house to do a treatment on me, I did lay down for a bit just to test it out. As the title of today's post says, it's awesomeness. Sheer Awesomeness.

On a semi related side note, I had the opportunity to practice a type of reiki that I don't do often, today... on a pet. Though I haven't done any pet specific training, I believe that Universal energy is shared between all living things freely, so I just took what I know about people reiki and applied it.

Alissia's dad isn't too sure what he thinks of my reiki practice. Once at a lunch with the family when his brother was in town he said, "Tell him about that Interesting thing you do." I wasn't sure what he was talking about, as I believe that most of the things that I do are interesting. I was pretty sure he wasn't talking about my writing as he's not a big fiction reader. When I looked at him quizzically he said "You know, that thing." and moved his fingers in a sort of spirit finger meets voodoo spell caster sort of gesture.

Today though, he asked me to do reiki on his dog, Roxy. She is running a fever and though she went to the vet and they said he blood work was all fine, she's shaky and lethargic. He explained that Roxy is very sensitive to emotions. When his father passed she refused to leave his side while he was grieving and now that PAPA has passed and mom just had a surgery, he thought that Roxy was just perhaps weighed down with all of the heavier energy. For someone who isn't too sure of what he thinks about what I do, I thought it was a pretty insightful/intuitive description of why it would be a good idea for me to work with Roxy. I was touched that he remembered and asked me.

As a reiki practitioner, I don't send healing energy with any specific sort of agenda, ie I don't try to heal any specific illness or injury. I simply send energy with the intention that the receiver use it for their highest good. This removes my feelings or judgments and simply shares Universal Love with someone who wants to receive it. What that person (or in this case pet) does with it is up to them. So today, working with Roxy I simply sent her love and encouraged her to let go of anything that didn't belong to her. If she has picked up some negative energy due to the emotions and illness around her, I wanted her to know she wasn't responsible for carrying them around.

Roxy didn't make any miraculous improvements, but I didn't expect her to. In the first place, I've never experienced reiki to work like that and secondly, while it might have helped my father-in-law become a believer in what reiki can do, I think I would have had a hard time separating out my ego in that situation. I definitely don't want to open that Pandora's box. My ego needs to be kept under strict lock and key at All times. It's not that I would consider myself an egomaniac (not any more than the next person anyway) it's just that I understand how little reiki has to do with the practitioner and I want to stay in that mindset.

I'm still sending love and energy to Roxy and ask that anyone reading my blog today does too. She is such a sweet and loving dog, looking out for the emotional well being of her humans.  I might also take a look at a class for pet reiki. Something tells me I'm going to be presented with many more opportunities to use it. :)

Through Indigo's Eyes

Today I read my first book for the Hay House Blogger Program. It was a young adult novel called Through Indigo's Eyes.

The story takes you through the high school senior year of a 17 year old girl who has visions and can see dead people. Yes, just like the kid in the 6th Sense. The story is filled with some typical teenage angst, the drama of young love and the even more melodramatic fights between teenage girls. It definitely reminded me of high school, except that I never had to deal with psychic visions in addition to worrying about what to wear, saying the right thing, having the right friends.

I can remember a time when I thought that it would be cool to be psychic. Who wouldn't want to get messages from beyond the grave or see the future? Now that I have actually been blessed with the friendship of a few very intuitively gifted people, I know that "seeing" has its drawbacks, especially as a young child. My friends were all misdiagnosed with either ADHD (a fate also incurred by the main character) or bipolar disorder. Even when they only talked about their positive visions, such as those of Angels, people hurled disbelief and accusations of insanity at them.

I found this novel to be a very insightful look into the adolesence of someone with gifts they don't yet understand. It's hard enough figuring out who you are and why you're here on the planet, tack on some gifts that you don't really know how to use and you have a recipe for heartache. With all the popularity of vampires, werewolves and zombies, I found it refreshing to see a novel promoting metaphysical gifts that do exist but are still widely misunderstood.

I would absolutely recommend this book for girls who are striving to find themselves, even if they don't have any extraordinary intuitive gifts. Indigo's journey to live a life of purpose is relatable and admirable, even if (as a grown up who has gotten past the Rampant insecurity of their teenage years) you occasionally want to shake her.

*I received this book for free from Hay House Publishing for review purposes.

This book is a much better read for your tween than Twilight... You can purchase it through my Hay House link to the side Or on Amazon, here.

So far, I'm really loving my Book Nook participation. I already have my 2nd book in hand and am resisting the urge to stay up all night reading it. Stay tuned for a review of The Last Laugh. ;)

Beautiful Souls

Who am I and how is that different from who I choose to be in any given moment? Deep thoughts, right? I believe at my core, who I am is a spiritual being capable of infinite love, insight, and peace. Certainly, I do not always show up this way. Sometimes I act cranky, selfish, rude, impatient, lazy... the list goes on, but you get the point. The important distinction is that those negative states are not who I AM. In fact, they are distinct choices to act in complete opposition of who I was created to be.

My new bbf (blogger best friend - yeah, I just made that up... so what?), Lisa, wrote about forgiveness today. While commenting on her blog I started contemplating how frequently the person who I have had the hardest time forgiving is myself. At any given moment, my mind can present a wealth of evidence to support the claim that I am a terrible person. At times in my life, I've actually believed this.

I can most narrowly attribute this to an awful habit I used to have. I was so afraid of criticism or negative feedback that I used to prep myself for receipt of such by thinking of any and all things that could possibly come up and saying them to myself first. As is true for anyone who is told something often enough, I started to believe it.

These days, I try to shut down that voice before it really ramps up. It might get in a quip or two before I notice, because the habit isn't entirely conscious, but I try to weigh my negative feedback against the truth of who I know myself to be. If I have, in fact, acted in a manner that was outside of integrity, then I need to make changes. If the action was in the past and I'm still picking on myself for it, I try to align my current actions to ensure a healthier choice in the future, take a deep breath and focus on who I have the capacity to be instead of how my actions might have fallen short.

I'm certainly not advocating a lack of responsibility for my actions. In fact, exactly the opposite. I want to be open to feedback about the moments that weren't my best so that I can make corrections. What I am advocating is loving and knowing myself enough to forgive and stop punishing even after the changes have been made. It's not productive. Of course, I want to extend this same philosophy to the forgiveness of others as well. There is a time to hold people accountable but holding a grudge afterwards is not only unfair to them, it hurts me to carry around.

Also, as I work to truly value feedback, I'm forced to look at how I provide it. Does my language reflect the distinction between the essence of the person and how they (or I) chose to act or have I carelessly assigned judgment and attached them to my definition of the person? Since our minds are so susceptible to believing what we/others say, I can't think of anything more important than being careful to let people know that their soul is beautiful, even when their actions might not have been. After all, if we convince someone who has wronged us that they have an awful soul, what does that do to the chances of them changing course and choosing to act differently in the future?

Love to the Max

Last night my friend lost her dog, Max. She got him as a puppy when she was in college and he has been her faithful, loving canine companion for the past 14 years. I don't know what breed of dog Max was as I only met him a handful of times but I do remember him as a very sweet and lovable pup. As Max got older his hips grew weak. The last time I was at Moira's apartment I watched my friend pick up Max's hind legs to help him walk up the stairs. The love and respect between those two souls was palpable.

My heart goes out to Moira and her wife Brianne as they mourn his loss. Just thinking about losing a dog makes me cry, particularly if I think about my own. I'm certain the number of times she's mentioned in my blog gives away how much a part of my life she is.

This past year several of my friends have lost their beloved pets. I wasn't blogging at the time, so they didn't each get their own posts but I just want to put gratitude out into the universe for Mookie, Tigger, Scotch and of course, Max.

In an effort to move from tears into my usual pondering of life, I've been thinking about the love that pets bring to our lives. They provide us lessons in patience, unconditional acceptance and playing, just because you feel like it. Specifically with dogs and cats, their average life spans are so much shorter than those of their masters, so we should cherish every possible moment with them; pet them more, be less inconvenienced when their wants don't match up with our own.

Whenever I think of losing a pet, I remember this email forward I received many years ago, back when email was still a pretty new thing. It contained a story written from the point of view of a dog. As a puppy he was purchased from a pet store by a young guy. He and his master romped and played and went everywhere together. It was love... well, until his master fell in love with a girl who wasn't so fond of dogs. When the relationship became serious, the dog found himself relocated to the home of his master's friend, one filled with three children. The children lovingly poked, prodded and generally wreaked havoc on him but he loved them and kept a special place in his heart for his original master who didn't visit. As the dog got older, he eventually got sick and was put down. In a very heart wrenching first person narrative, the dog described the things he saw and smelled as this process happened and his intense desire to see his original master one last time.

It has been over a decade since I read that email and even now just describing it has made me cry (again). The purpose of the chain letter was actually to discourage people from selfishly getting puppies just because they're so darn cute and to consider the responsibility of caring for a pet for its entire life. At the time, I didn't have any pets, so the story stuck with me based on sentimental value but clearly, it had an impact. Our pets deserve as much love and devotion from us as they provide.

I've spent much of the morning loving on GK. As Alissia said in a text message to me this morning "Love on her endlessly. We should love... our time is measured!" Obviously these words don't have to be narrowly applied to our relationships with our pets, even though they are the inspiration for my post. We should love [EVERYONE]. We never know how long we will have them in our lives and when we look back, we want to see how much love we gave, not withheld. Love fully, love deeply, love unendingly. Love to the Max. (pun most definitely intended. RIP Max)

Thanks, Dad!

I will be posting a regular blog entry later but I just have to include a note to my father. He doesn't read my blog but I still want to publicly state my gratitude. He sent me an amazing letter this week and it could not have been more perfectly timed.

Stepping Out

Today I sent an email to someone whom I've never met but have felt compelled to contact for the past several months. She is the owner of a center that provides alternative healing treatments, energy work and spiritual workshops. The center itself is about a mile from my house and I've thought many times that perhaps I should inquire about working there in some capacity, though namely in teaching workshops and practicing reiki.

While I have practiced reiki for almost 7 years, I have never done so on a full time basis. I've always had a day job and taken clients on the side. The same has been true of my life coaching sessions. I managed to work many of my workshop ideas into curriculum for my day job at a nonprofit, but I left that outlet behind in Phoenix several months ago.

Since moving to Chicago I have taken on some consulting, some teaching and childcare but it's always been in the back of my mind that now is a good time to bring the reiki, life coaching and spiritual teaching into the spotlight of my career instead of just a fulfilling side project.

This SCARES me. A LOT.

It's not that I doubt my reiki ability or life coaching skills. I know that I am good at these things. It's the faith (and business plan!!) required to make these my only source of employment that makes me want to just go submit an application to the nearest Starbucks and hide for the rest of eternity. Note: There is absolutely nothing wrong with working at Starbucks, it just isn't my calling and I know it.

Thanks to a new friend via the world of blogging, Lisa Friedt (please stop by her blog A Pocket Full of Rocks, it's really quite inspiring and awesome) I've decided to sign up for a 30 day bravery challenge that starts August 1st. It is my intention to use those 30 days of support, motivation and accountability to begin to really establish a healing practice in Chicago.

Since the challenge doesn't start for another week, my temptation this morning was to ignore the voice in my heart telling me to contact the center's director. "I can do it August first," I reasoned. I've been through this rodeo enough times to know that such procrastination would just be faithless and invalidating to my spirit. I immediately drew up an email, despite the voice saying "This woman doesn't have time for you. She runs a center and healers like you are a dime a dozen. Why are you bothering someone who doesn't even know you exist?"

In this moment, (keep in mind, I've already sent the email, but this thought Just came to me) I've realized that the fact that this woman doesn't even know that I exist is exactly the problem. I have something to say/contribute. I'm not just another healer, I'm the exact right healer/teacher to work with whoever the Universe leads my way. I don't know who those people will be yet and I don't know if this center is where I'm supposed to end up, but I do know that I wouldn't be doing anyone (least of all me) any good by hiding out in my apartment, searching job postings, when I know exactly what I want to do and just need to get it done.

So, this is a moment where I pat myself on the back. I'm nowhere near done with this effort but I have taken the single most important step. With each additional one I take it can only get easier right? #Momentum!

Old Friends

Last night I had the pleasure of meeting in person someone I've only known online for the past 11 years. I met Mark while playing a MMORPG called Dark Age of Camelot. If that sounded like a whole lot of letters that meant absolutely nothing, essentially an online roleplaying game where lots of people play together, in this case to kill medieval-y bad guys.

Since Mark met me many years ago, he's had to hear many stories about life and how it didn't line up with my vision of what it could be. As I said to him last night while we were reminiscing, I was not a happy person back then. I hadn't yet picked up any self awareness books, classes or counseling. I largely thought of life as this big ball of suck that just kept happening to me, even though my grievances were very minor compared to many others'. The point being I didn't know myself at all and I had a very hard time negotiating life as a result.

Mark was also someone who was allowed to read my stories throughout the years, even before I went back to school for creative writing. He declared himself the President of my fan club, even though at the time he was practically its only member. Even though we'd never met in person, Mark saw Me (which was a feat considering how much utter nonsense I spewed about myself, since I was completely ignorant of my strengths, talents and ability to just be.) I was a people pleaser, convinced that I had to work excessively hard at making people like me. In fact, I distrusted people who instantaneously liked me because I readily identified with the voice of my inner critic.

I now know that inner voice to be completely full of crap but it took me a good number of years to sort it out. Mark didn't need years. He was a lot more perceptive than I (until now) gave him credit for.

This post has me thinking about a few others who didn't buy the song and tap dance I was continuously putting on and just loved me, where I was at, even if they didn't agree with all of my choices. I'm Incredibly blessed to have had a significant number of those type of people in my life, including my parents, which I know to be a more rare occurrence.

In an effort to be that type of person for others, I commit to loving others, especially when they can't or don't know how to love themselves. Another brilliant quote Alissia read to me recently was "Being mad at ignorant people for acting ignorantly is about as useful as being mad at a blind person for not being able to see." (That quote is most definitely not verbatim, but you get the point). When people choose to be constantly negative and perpetuate the belief that they are a victim, I often find that incredibly frustrating. I know how incredibly defeating such patterns were for me but I can't just place my learning into anyone else's head. (Heck, sometimes it doesn't even stay in my own head!) In my continuing quest to be of service, I'm going to look for new ways to help someone determined to see everything that is wrong with their life, to find things to be positive about. My bigger challenge though, is to try to do it in a new way that I haven't tried before. I'm not certain what that will look like, but I'm looking forward to the brainstorming session. I'm certain some interesting stuff will come out of it.

Get Behind Me, Fear

Yesterday Alissia and I attended a surprise party for her father's 60th birthday. It was nice to be with her family for celebratory purposes but that does not make them a less formidable clan of super extroverts... in fact, I'm quite certain it has the opposite affect. While I wouldn't call myself shy or an introvert, per se, comparatively, I'm a mimey hermit. Perhaps I exaggerate a tad, but Only a tad.

At any rate, I promised yesterday that I would do something I was afraid of and report back. While my morning activities actually fit the bill more accurately, I will still tell of yesterday's accomplishment as well. Someone at the gathering engaged in bossing me around several different times throughout the evening. My first instinct in interacting with this individual is pretty much always to bite my tongue, try to find compassion for their perspective and try not to cause waves. While I do believe that this type of response is often very loving, by my third run in last night, I needed to choose a different response. Due to the critical nature of most of this person's comments, I usually fear speaking my mind, however this time, when I felt that sense of fear overcome me, I simply stated what I intended to do and when they attempted to argue, I kept to my course of action rather than backing down.

And guess what? The world did not stop turning, in fact, I don't think that person was even especially put out, which means that all of the times that I have let their feedback motivate me to change course, usually unhappily, were probably unnecessary as well. While I certain have no intention of causing a ruckus just to cause one, I have decided that in interactions with this person, from now on I will state my intentions definitively and not waver. I'll report back if this ever causes any sort of problem but in all likelihood it will just produce additional freedom on my part.

This morning however, was a much more concrete example of stepping outside of my fear. Very good friends of ours came over for brunch this morning and since one of them is a Super Entrepreneur, we were requesting her feedback on a business we are thinking of starting together. While our dear friend is brilliant and very good at what she does, she is not overly spiritual or into self help literature, coaching, etc. Since that is absolutely what I am into, I always find it intimidating to talk about what I do/my vision for my future. I feel like talking about reiki, life coaching or writing novels all sound hokey/or like a pipe dream.

As she was talking with Alissia about her career background/goals for the next five years I felt that familiar feeling of intimidation and fear creep over me as I knew that I would be in the hot seat next. My inner critic was just starting to ramp up when a new thought occurred to me... Since she even remotely interested in the holistic healing/self help community, I am actually the expert in the conversation. (Well, Alissia and I both, but the point being, not my friend.) There was no reason not to talk confidently about who I am/what I do. Not that I should be intimidated by other healers or motivational speakers, but even less so with a friend who simply wants to help me translate wanting to help people into a bigger opportunity to create change.

I almost didn't recognize my own voice when I started answering questions about my background. I wasn't cowering or apologetic, I was simply me. It's not the first time that I've stepped around that particular fear (job interviews provide lots of practice), but I feel it getting easier each time. I look forward to the day when it's so old hat that it doesn't even cause a single butterfly in my stomach. Then it will be time to tackle Another fear. :)

Life is Worth the Risk

Forbes magazine published a list of the Top 100 Inspirational Quotes. Some of them I've heard a million times, some only a few dozen but the entire list is Good Stuff. Certainly, you can learn from all of these quotes, perhaps even be moved to action. I've admired Maya Angelou (who makes the list more than once) ever since high school when I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings was required reading in my sophomore English class. Eleanor Roosevelt is another favorite, who I've quoted many times, and I know I'm not alone in my affinity for the words of John Lennon.

George Addair is a name that probably doesn't ring as many bells but his lasting impact on my life is something that I will be forever grateful for. George founded an organization called the Omega Vector which provides free self knowledge programs. The organization is run entirely by volunteers and funded by alumni who know that they experienced something invaluable there and want to pass that gift on to others.

George's quote on the inspirational list was simple but powerful:

"Everything you've ever wanted is on the other side of fear."

George Addair was not a flashy person. He wasn't chosen as a U.S. Poet Laureate, a singer with millions of screaming fans or a famous religious leader in Tibet. He was simply a man with an important message to impart and he set about doing that through workshops that he provided for free. He didn't seek to be quoted, just to share thoughts and ideas that would help people LIVE.

It is my intention to take all that I learned from George, through Omega Vector, to live a purposeful life of service and to show others the value of doing the same. As I have said of my experiences with the three different levels of Omega Vector workshops that I participated in, Omega didn't tell me new things, it showed me how to live them. George provided an instruction book for how to use all of the shiny wrenches, screwdrivers and hammers I'd been piling up in my toolbox.

While Omega Vector is in Phoenix, which means it isn't practical that everyone on the planet could go there to take part in a workshop, I can't think of anything that I would recommend more highly. George's wisdom is something that cannot be summed up by my praise and gratitude. In fact, I listened to a beautiful talk from George about Praise and Blame being opposite sides of the same coin, both equally unimportant to your life's work. Though he is no longer physically with us, the powerful presence of his life can still be felt there. You can watch videos of his past talks. You can read what he had to say and I would dare anyone seeking to find their purpose in life to try to leave his workshops unmotivated.

In honor of George, today I am going to do something I fear. To be honest, I don't know what it is yet. I need to think about it a little more but I will be sure to report back tomorrow. If everything I've ever wanted is on the other side of fear, it's past time I started checking out the other side. Who's with me?

The Kindness of Neighbors

Around 10:30 this morning GK and I decided to go for walk 2.0. Since it was later in the morning than usual, I thought it would be a good idea if I brought along a bowl of water for her. I also noticed that the trash needed to be taken out, so in a fit of industriousness I got the water, her leash, treat bag and the trash and we headed downstairs. 2 landings down I realized that I was missing something... my keys. We walked back upstairs just in case I had left the door unlocked but no such luck.

Our apartment requires a key for the outside doors, which all the tenants have and then an individual key for the separate apartment doors. No one else has a copy of our key, so while I knew that I would be able to get back inside the overall building, I was pretty much out of luck on getting back inside my air conditioning. I thought of calling Alissia but she's at work. I thought of calling my landlord who doesn't live too far away but I also didn't bring my phone. That's not rare though, I almost Never bring my phone to walk the dog to avoid the temptation of trying to text and having my arm torn off once Graceland sees a rabbit, squirrel, bird, plastic bag or even rolling leaf.

So, first things first, we went for our walk. No sense in keeping her from doing her business. After that, we picked a shady spot in front of the building and camped out. Occasionally I would turn on the hose on the side of the house and let her run through the sprinklers set up for the grass. Chicago summer isn't as hot as Phoenix, but I'm not rocking a fur coat. I felt really bad for poor Gracie because her mom's lack of attention to detail was going to be more torturous for her than me.

We were outside for about half an hour when one of our neighbors came home. He said hi and we chatted for a minute. I thought about asking to borrow his phone but I didn't want to bother him. He looked busy. I've seen him around a couple times with his son and his dog but I couldn't even remember his name, so I thought I'd better just tough it out, outside. I was just starting to regret that inaction, at least on GK's behalf when he came back outside. Seeing us still camped out in the grass he looked at me quizzically and I let him know about my absent keys.

At that exact moment another neighbor, Sue, came around the corner. The two of them suggested that I call the landlord and Dan (I did manage to learn his name and surely won't forget now) let me borrow his phone to do so. Keith, our landlord, said that he would swing by and Sue let GK and I into her apartment to get out of the heat while we waited.

My entire life, I've never really been the best neighbor. Don't get me wrong, if my neighbors need something, I help but I'm not so good at knowing their names, stories, actually being friends. In the house I own in Phoenix, really good friends lived next door to me on the left but I never even met the woman who lived next door on the right. When Alissia and I first moved in to this building in March, I had visions of meeting all of my neighbors, knowing them by name, inviting them to do social stuff with us. It was a really cute vision of all of the residents in our building being buddies but then I never actually got around to going door to door. I know 2 (well now 3, since I can remember Dan's name) of my neighbors by name and another 2 by sight but this building has 12 units. I've obviously not put in the kind of effort required to build that fantasy.

Of course, I have decided to rectify this. Since it's unlikely that I'm going to turn into a raging extrovert over the next week, I'm going to start slowly by making some sort of baked good awesomeness for Sue & Dan to say thank you. That will be the easy part. After that, I think I'm going to make an attempt to talk to each of the tenants over the course of the summer. That's a month and a half to intentionally greet and converse with 8 more apartments worth of people. It will take effort on my part. I'm much more comfortable with public speaking than door to door small chat, but I know that I Can do it and that it's worthwhile - not just because your neighbors might save you from endless hours locked out of your home.

So, for those of you who follow my blog regularly, I have a favor to ask. In a week or so, can you check in to make sure that I'm on target with my goals? A little accountability would be helpful and who knows, maybe I'll make baked goods for you too. :)

We Are the World

Just a couple nights ago, I tweeted about looking for more ways to be of service. I had no doubt that the Universe would bring people/organizations/causes to my path, that I was uniquely capable of serving. I was not entirely sure what would show up, but I knew to be on the lookout. So last night when I read a post from a fellow participant in the 31 day blog challenge about domestic violence in the Church (No More Blows) I was unsurprised to feel unbelievably moved to comment and offer up what I know on the topic.

Several years ago, I worked as a case manager in a domestic violence shelter. I taught a class called DV101, based upon a wonderful book called Why Does He Do That, which focuses on helping survivors of domestic abuse reduce the blame/shame they feel for the experiences by clearly laying the responsibility at the feet of the partner making the choice to behave abusively. Working there, I was often humbled by the strength, determination and spirit of the women working to build a new life. While I was in a role of educator and manager, I suspect I learned more from the program participants than they could ever hope to learn from me.

When I first began to work with survivors of domestic violence, I felt an intense sense of guilt for having grown up in a safe, loving home. I wondered what I could possibly give to these women who had experienced so much trauma when I hadn't walked in their shoes. I find it interesting how much we/our society likes to separate us through categorization; size, race, financial status, political party... you name it, there are a million different ways to convey differences between people. What I learned, very profoundly, in my work with women and children who had been through the experience of domestic violence is that we are all first and foremost human beings, worthy of love and respect. 

While my personal journey to love and respect myself was not started at the same point on the map, these women and I were on the same journey. It was during my time at the shelter that I came to my belief that spiritual self-awareness is the answer every possible problem. Addiction, trauma, body image issues... these are all symptoms of a greater problem - forgetting who You are. When you know and love yourself as the being God created you to be, you are no longer willing to treat yourself as "less than" nor accept mistreatment from others. With a little Aretha Franklin-esque R-E-S-P-E-C-T for the beautiful being you are, you start setting healthy boundaries, with others and with that nasty little voice of negativity inside. (Alissia once said that she likes to think of this voice as similar to the aliens in Mars Attacks. It certainly makes the mind chatter more amusing that way.)  

I am passionate about domestic violence education (and addiction too, but that's another post) because I know that many people still believe completely false concepts about why abuse happens, who it happens to and how to best respond to those who do (or don't) reach out for help. I believe that if everyone understood the dynamics of abuse, not only would we respond more effectively to the very real problem going on in many families, but we would also be much kinder to ourselves. Abuse does not Just occur from the outside in and we All have the power to create change, starting in our very own hearts.

I have shared with Kia, the author of No More Blows, the curriculum that I used to teach in the shelter. Since I am not a member of the Church, I feel like it's probably a good idea to coach and encourage from the sidelines but if, like me, you feel strongly about overcoming the impact of domestic violence in our (global) community, stop by Kia's blog and encourage her brave efforts to turn her pain into a gift of love and empathy to others. We have all had suffering but those who choose to find value in it and work to end it are the best embodiment of Divine Love I can think of. Light and love to all who have been affected by domestic violence (and if you're conscious, you have been, even if it's not first hand). You deserve a better world. Let's work together to manifest it!

(Not so) Trivial Pursuits

This morning I'm thinking about my hobbies. What do I choose to do with my free time when I'm not re-tooling my resume for the 80th time or using LinkedIn to track down the hiring manager for a posted position? Well, I write this blog daily, for one. I love to read fiction and self help books. There's Candy Crush Saga on my phone and I pull oracle cards daily as well. So, while Candy Crush is just a tool to help my brain tune out for a bit, the other two are actually very purpose driven.

Given the fact that I'm in the middle of a job search, I've been giving my interests a deeper once over. I say that I love to write, but the truth of the matter is that while I Can write academic papers, news articles in AP style and company newsletters etc, the writing that truly just pours out of me is much less formal. I like to be able to speak in the first person, relate my own learning and hope that it resonates with others. I also enjoy writing fiction but that seems to require more discipline and therefore I've deemed it less fun lately. For years I've told myself that my affinity for free flowing writing was laziness because the other types feel more like work. This week I'm of the mind that because the formal types of writing feel like work, they aren't my passion. This stuff, right here, is (part of) my passion. So, why did it take me 34 years to get into a daily writing habit??

I also mentioned before that I'm in the process of learning how to write a novel, since my completely disorganized attempt left me stalled out. I've been attempting a 10 step process called the Snowflake Method. I'm only 2 steps in, but already I'm starting to see why I stalled out. I know how my book starts, I know how it ends. I know Some plot stuff along the way and lots of characterization but I do not have a solid idea of how all of these things link together in a logical chapter by chapter process. I'm in the process of coming up with that kind of an outline and guess what? It's kind of fun. Disciplined fun. Last night Alissia read me a beautiful quote about the discipline it takes to follow our passions (which I absolutely cannot quote from memory). The bottom line was that when it really matters, haphazard discipline won't do. In the past, my writing was always subject to haphazard discipline... I'be stepped up a lot the past month or so and I absolutely plan to leverage my newly sharpened blogging discipline to carry me through on my other projects as well.

As for reading, I'm currently in the middle of The Power of Now, When You're Falling, Dive (re-reading this one) and 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. If these were fiction books, I'd undoubtedly be getting through them faster but I am enjoying the three of them all the same. I'm sure, if you've been reading my blog posts that my attraction to these types of books is unsurprising. I am pretty passionate about self awareness, reducing suffering and living a life of service. While others might rather do a polar bear plunge in Lake Michigan than spend their free time reading these titles, I feel inspired and alive.

The oracle cards are more a part of my meditation/spiritual awareness practice than a hobby but of all of the things that I do connected to spiritual work, those feel the most fun... well, that and arrhythmically tapping away on the djembe I bought from a used book store. I might not have any idea how to play it correctly but it's kind of in the Candy Crush column... it takes me out of my thoughts. On days when I just don't feel like sitting and meditating in silence, with incense burning and candles and the whole shabang, I find that 10 minutes with the cards is a worthy substitute. Some days I do both but I pretty much always pull cards.

Alissia and I have been dialoguing about fun a lot lately, as our grownup lives seem to just be naturally devoid of it. We've found great joy in reliving childhood entertainments (thus my posts about the Snoopy Sno Cone Machine, sprinklers and lemonade stands) and the more I think about it, the more I'm convinced that I've been living my life backwards. Valuing torturous tasks, because the less fun they are, the better they must be for me... you know, like vegetables.

In general, work has always been the stuff I wasn't so excited about and play was always the stuff that I LOVED but had to come only once work had been done. If you listen to your body, it will tell you what it needs at any given time (especially vegetables and water, though certainly other stuff as well). Your soul will tell you the same thing and my soul has been screaming for more fun, to the point of obsession. While I have some ideas floating in my brain about how to apply this to my career, for now I've simply adopted another hobby. Hay House (the publishing company that puts out Most of the self help type books I enjoy) has a blogger program where they will let you choose new books to read/review on your blog and send you a free copy.

Free books? Yes please. Sharing my opinion about them? Like you could stop me. My first choice is a novel called The Last Laugh, since none of the books on my current reading list are fiction. Here's to the belief that following  my passions in this way will lead me to not just more fun, but a better career. Long live fun!

Take Chances. Get Messy. Make Mistakes.

Last night Erik, Annika & Jonathan introduced me to The Magic School Bus, some cartoon episodes on dvd that teach kids about science. The teacher rarely lectures about anything, but instead takes the kids on field trips and encourages them to explore and make connections to help them piece together facts about the natural world. The bus is able to shrink, turn into boats and planes and all sorts of other handy tricks to assist in their learning process, thus its magic. As Miss Frizzle sends the kids on their way she frequently imparts the following words of wisdom, "Take chances. Get messy. Make mistakes."

Where was this advice when I was a kid? I seem to remember teachers consistently telling us not to make messes, mistakes were heavily disfavored and heavens, don't take chances. Chances and safety just don't go hand in hand and above all, you must keep safe. We teach children (and then continue to reinforce into adulthood) to fear mistakes, chances and messes because they are much easier to control when they don't do these things. The problem is that we then have a bunch of spirits dying to explore, break out and be themselves but crippled by fear.

I love the teacher's advice. Spiritually, I find it invaluable. Chances, messes and mistakes are how we learn, grow and find our place in the world. As a babysitter though, I'm much more conditioned into those old thought patterns. I'd prefer that the kids I'm watching didn't get messy, mostly because they aren't yet adept at cleaning messes, which means that responsibility falls to me. No one makes better physical messes than a curious child. The more complicated emotional messes are typically the handiwork of grownups. I hope that they don't take crazy chances (chances yes, unwise or unhealthy ones, no) and as someone who occasionally has to issue consequences for mistakes, I hope for less of those too.

I don't want to stifle their learning process but I do care about them being safe, as I'm sure those who instilled the fear of lack of safety in me did too. So, as with so many things in my life I'm seeking a balance. In my own life I frequently vacillate between caution and bravery, carefree and responsible, willingness and boundaries. I understand that none of these are direct opposites but I still often find myself torn between lending a hand or letting someone figure stuff out on their own. Certainly my intuition, passions and goals help me to navigate but I find myself wishing it were simpler or that I had more patience with the process, which of course is really just the same as saying that I wish life was easier but I know that I don't learn when I'm not challenged.

So I'm back to a common refrain in my life. Just for today I'm going to take chances, get messy and make mistakes. I'm going to encourage others to do the same. If I need help, I will ask for it and if someone else needs help I will give it. I will not fear mess, risk or mistakes because they are all part of the learning curve; for me and for those I love. If I end up with a lap full of goop, food and toys because I've encouraged the children to make messes, I will help them learn about cleaning and Not get cranky. Just for today. Tomorrow, whether I succeeded in these endeavors or fell short, I'll take a deep breath and try again.

AMAZING, Amazing or amazing?

This morning I posted my 15th blog post for July but it seems to have disappeared. Nothing I have done has allowed me to figure out where it went. The interwebz swallowed it, I guess. I will now re-write, though I was really quite happy with it the way that it was. #frown

A couple weeks ago my laptop died. You might remember this tragedy from my post Dancing in the Sprinklers and my subsequent posts meticulously created on my smart phone. Since last week was full of family commitments, I am just not getting around to setting up the awesome desktop that my friend Moira has lent me. I didn't have a keyboard, but bought a bargain basement Microsoft one from Office Max even though the computer itself is a Mac. It connects by USB port, I rolled the dice, figuring it'd probably still work and yep, it sure does. The only minor snag is that I have to remember to use the Windows button to copy/cut/paste instead of the Control key, but I'm getting the hang of it.

The monitor she lent me is Huge. I don't have a ruler handy but I'm guessing it's about 22-24 inches. The screen on my laptop was 15. It also has beautiful high definition picture quality but since I have it sitting laptop distance (on a tv tray... soooo classy) away instead of across a desk, I had to turn the brightness down to 30% so my eyes stop feeling like they're going to burn out of my skull.

While all of the technology seems to be cooperating now, this has me pondering deeper spiritual thoughts. How many times has the Universe sent me something AMAZING but I was only prepared/had space for something Amazing or amazing and thus had to reduce the quality of the gift to something I could actually work with, cutting off its vast potential so it could meet me where I was at?

Lately, thanks to the 31 day blog challenge that I'm participating in, I've been reading a lot of great posts from writers who have actually... *gasp* completed books. It has occurred to me that while I studied English Literature and took numerous creative writing classes, I've never actually learned anything about writing a novel. I've been stalled out at Chapter 3 for longer than I care to admit.

The analogy that comes to mind is that I've been trained for sprinting (short stories) and have suddenly gotten this bright idea into my head to complete a marathon. I'm not even a 5K in and I'm winded and realizing that my creative endurance needs to be built. It's time to get some education to learn how to use this nifty gift of a story idea with which the Universe has blessed me.

It is time for novel bootcamp. I'm going to throw my lazy legs of creativity on a treadmill and resist the urge to turn the speed up to 15mph just to watch myself fall and go sliding off (though the mental picture Is pretty funny). With gentleness and ease I am going to become Boy Scout ready for this opportunity and mute the voice that says that I have no business outside of the kiddie pool. Yes, I realize that I mixed my fitness analogies and No, I'm not saying that short stories are Easy. A well written one can be pretty challenging since you don't have as much room to say what you want to say. I'm just saying that I'm stepping outside of my comfort zone and it feels a lot like the first time I ventured into the deep end of the pool without floaties. I'd had swimming lessons. I was pretty sure I knew what I was doing and yet I was still afraid that a shark was going to come up and swallow me whole. Yes, I was an imaginative little kid, even if my understanding of marine biology was a little skewed.

What opportunities are whispering to your spirit? Feel free to share them with me and we can throw eggs at each other. While that doesn't sound good at all, it actually means to encourage one another. When I was recruiting friends to come watch me participate in a sprint triathlon a friend agreed to attend and said that she would "egg me on" by throwing eggs at me. I suggested that perhaps her view of encouragement was a little warped to which she used one of my own lines on me. "Yes, but my version is funnier." So, I've adopted this wacky phrase, because she's right. It Is funny.

My Not So Little Anymore Brother

First, before I attend to the stated subject matter I have to clear up a spelling error I have been making for the past few weeks. It has been drawn to my attention (by my beloved Alissia) that fiance is the spelling for a man who is engaged to be married and that fiancee is the spelling for a woman. (Yes, I'm aware there is also an accent mark but I'm just not motivated enough to figure out how to type it in on my uber English keyboard). I honestly was under the misconception that fiance was a gender neutral term applying to anyone in a state of pre-married commitment. I stand corrected. My fianceE is most definitely not a fiance. Kieta Lynn, who majored in English, was wrong about something that fell in the grammar/spelling/punctuation category. The many friends who I annoyed by correcting their word choices over the years may all collectively snicker, point and giggle. Guilty as charged.

Moving on. When I was little, growing up in San Diego, I always thought it would be super cool to work at Sea World. Specifically I wanted to be a Shamu trainer until I figured out that fish are slimy and smelly. I don't want any part of touching them to feed to a killer whale or orca to be more precise. I do still love dolphins though and have fed them stinky smelly fish on several occasions (though I haven't swam with one yet - it's on my bucket list). At any rate, I couldn't do it all the time. Not even for dolphins.

My brother,technically "little" because he is almost 8 years younger than me, is almost a foot taller than me. He served in the Marine Corps for four years (SEMPER FIDELIS and thank you to all of our nation's servicemen!!) but for the past few years has worked for Sea World in their education department. He can tell you all sorts of interesting fish (and not so fish) facts and is a beloved counselor of summer camp sleepovers and the like. It's a pretty cool gig and he's great at it, as validated by the fact that he was chosen as employee of the month for May this year.

Last night, when I logged into Facebook, I noticed that my brother had updated his profile picture to one where he was IN the tank for the dolphin show, wearing a spiffy Sea World logo website. My brother isn't a dolphin trainer so I knew that something super awesome must have gone on for this picture to exist. I just love when Facebook informs me of major goings on of my friends and family. It's a godsend for keeping up with everyone, even though Alissia remains convinced it's evil.

When my brother called to give me the story, I was proud (and perhaps the Tiniest bit, ok a lot a bit jealous) to hear that because he had been chosen as employee of the month, he was given the opportunity to get his picture taken anywhere in the park. A lot of people choose to take a picture with a favorite animal but my brother is never one to settle for ordinary. He is a goofy and creative soul (it runs in the family) and so he decided to ask if he could get a picture in the dolphin show wet suit. Once the calls were made, he not only got to be in the suit but pose on different parts of the stage and at the end be IN the tank.

There simply are not words to express how absolutely amazeballs I find this accolade. In fact, my brother could tell me tomorrow that he was given a promotion to a 6-figure executive position and it still wouldn't top getting to swim in the tank for the dolphin show.

Aside from how much I love love love the fact of the actual experience, what I love even more is my brother's sense of fun, adventure and the lovable way he stands out from the crowd simply by being himself. He's never been much of one to do stuff just because someone else would like it or to stop doing something because others thought it was dumb. Of all the qualities I could hope for him to develop in life, that's the best. The confidence to just be himself because he knows that he is awesome. He's not cocky... in fact he's at the age where girls repeatedly tell him he's "too nice"... you know, because young girls haven't dated enough jerks yet to be over that attraction to guys who treat them like crap. SMH. He's not a bad looking kid either, but he gets that from my parents, so he can't take all the credit there.

I love my brother. I'm guessing that most people do But seriously, I don't just love him because we are related. I love him because he's just a cool human being. We don't see eye to eye on everything but we respect each other, we help when we can and being many states apart, we don't see each other often enough. If I didn't think American politics were pretty corrupt and off track, I'd nominate him to office... though not President. I wanted to be the first female occupant of that office when I was a kid and dude, he already has Sea World. 

John, though you probably don't read my blog because you're in your 20s and way to cool to sit around reading the ramblings of your aging sister, I just wanted to say how much I love you. You're the best brother I could ever ask for annnnnd I'm sorry for taking money out of your piggy bank when you were a kid. If you fly to Chicago, I'll buy you a beer. :)

Purpose

This weekend services were held for PAPA. It was, of course, quite sad but a beautiful and respectful send off. Growing up,  my experiences of services were limited to Memorial Services. The body was not present and the service itself was a bit less formal. The T/P/K family is predominantly Catholic and so this was my first real experience with a wake. I'm sure I could Google, I just haven't yet, but I'm wondering about the term wake. It just seems like a counter intuitive name.

At any rate, at the wake I met even more people who loved and admired PAPA and  learned that as an assistant Scout Master with the Boy Scouts of America, PAPA belonged to the Order of the Arrow and received the Vigil Honor. For more about that honor, see the page offered by the scouts.http://www.oa-bsa.org/misc/anr/vigilhonor.htm

Essentially, being in the order is an honor and then those who serve exceptionally and selflessly can be nominated for the national recognition. While I only knew PAPA a short time, after his scouting says, it was so great to hear of PAPA's love and dedication to scouting for nearly 50 years. It was clear that he was purposeful and inspired in his service.

It is my intention to be as purposeful and inspired in my service to our community/society/world. I thank PAPA for his beautiful example and as Alissia and I continue to work with people (albeit in a slightly different manner than PAPA) we look forward to continuing his legacy.

Openness

As is frequently the case, my dog was the source of another deep thought/spiritual lesson today. GK has continued with her new found habit of barking at me because she wants to go outside. So around 730 this morning, we went down the 3 flights of stairs, she did her business and we went back up.

At 830 she began barking again. Since I don't want to foster a pattern of immediate trips outside in response to barking (that could get All kinds of out of hand) I tried to distract her. Alissia also tried to engage her in play but within seconds she was back to barking. I should note, she really only barks at me. It's not that she stops barking when either one of us tell her to, but the barking is aimed at my direction.

When the attempts at distraction proved futile, I threw shoes back on and took her downstairs again. While she did go potty, I had this sense that it wasn't the entirety of the reason for our trip. A woman went by and remarked on what a beautiful dog Graceland is. She came over to pet her and chat for a minute. As she walked away, I thought to myself "What if the reason that Graceland wanted to come downstairs was because that lady needed a cuddly dog moment?" What do I know? It could be true.

We frequently see people on our walks because Evanston is a very dog friendly city. I met another healer who shared with me some information about rescuing dogs that really helped me understand GK better. Clearly, that walk, the Universe intended to give something to me (and hopefully back to the other healer as well) but this morning might have been about the woman out for a walk without a dog.

In the bigger picture this has me thinking about any of number of things to which I have resistance. Perhaps if I maintained this spirit of openness to all of my opportunities, I would bless and be blessed by many more people. What blessings have I missed when I let my resistance trump others' desires to have me join them, help them, or simply just being out and about.

I am a very social person but still have a strong introvert streak. I frequently use that as reason/excuse (half and half I would guess) to stay in. Certainly, good boundaries and enough alone time are essential, but for those times when I simply didn't Feel like it, what did I miss?

Today I am going to do my best to be open to my opportunities. The best I can do is take this new view of openness one day at a time, but I look forward to reporting back and my new adventures, friends and healing moments. Want to join me? :)

Seven Eleven

Adversity doesn't build character. It reveals it.  This ancient truism was running through my head today as I drive home from babysitting. In all the many years that I have sat for children, the admonition not to jump off furniture has been given out of fear for damage to the furniture, not the children, despite citing such concerns. Today, as I went upstairs to get one child out of the bath another decided that my absence from the room provided an excellent opportunity to use the back of the sofa as a balance beam, despite my many requests that he and his sister remain off the furniture while I was out of the room. 

As I argued with the youngest about the end of bath time I heard loud screams coming from below. I thought to myself, "A child had better be bleeding to justify that kind of noise" not expecting anything of the sort. With one wet child running naked upstairs, I went down to lecture about listening ears and why I had wisely advised against jumping off the sofa but the words caught in my throat as I saw blood on the hand of the disobedient child in question. Now on full alert I inspect him and find a quarter sized source of blood matting his white blonde hair. 

No sooner do locate this wound and pick up the screaming child, with fears of stitches, emergency rooms and scared parents flooding my brain than the pizza I'd ordered as a special treat is outside the front door. The Universe's sense of comedic timing probably would have made for an excellent hidden camera show but I was starting to frazzle.

To complicate matters, though I provided my credit card info online the driver showed up expecting cash. With the wet 4 year old running around naked, the five year old proclaiming he was going to die and his sister dancing in glee at the much anticipated arrival of the pizza I'm afraid I was less than patient with the delivery person. I told him I didn't have cash and to call the store and figure it out while I walked away with the screaming child. In all likelihood, he didn't see the blood.  He probably thought I was just rude and ungrateful. 

After chatting with the store we were able to resolve the payment issue while I mopped blood off the back of Erik's neck and head. Thankfully, no stitches were required and despite his forecasts of doom signs claims that he hurt so bad he couldn't even move his arms to wash his hands, Erik was running and jumping on furniture again inside of an hour. 

While all was well that ended well, in the moment I acted stressed, impatient and entitled. This is the character that I chose to reveal instead of calm, loving and giving despite being trained in crisis intervention and having been on the scene for much worse. While of course my inner critic wants to have a hay day with the situation and my equally vocal inner victim wants to defend my actions, I simply feel compelled to acknowledge that I chose to show up as less than my best self. It happens. No excuses, just an opportunity for honest introspection and commitment to improvement. Now if only I were this level headed about All my perceived failures.  :-)

Man of Steel

My fiance comes from a very large (and loud) family. Before we moved to Chicago I was cautioned many times that I might feel overwhelmed in the presence of the entire clan. For a semi-accurate mental picture, think My Big Fat Greek Wedding... except Swedish. Since my family was very spread out from our extended family when I was a kid, I had no experience of opening presents with a dozen cousins at one time. When the Thompson/Peterson/Kunz family is all together; expect laughter, expect volume, expect insanity (in the best possible way).

At the head of this family was PAPA (Robert Kunz). He recently celebrated his 88th birthday and thanks to fighting off cancer Several different times his family dubbed him the Man of Steel. They even made him a t-shirt which we all later signed.
Despite his age and battle for health, PAPA was exceptionally quick witted. He was often quiet (at least in the time that I knew him, I'm guessing not so much in his younger years) but when he did feel inclined to contribute to the conversation it was usually a quip that made your drink come through your nose if you happened to be taking an untimely sip.

So much of the life that the Thompson/Peterson/Kunz children enjoyed growing up, was formed by the traditions Bob and his wife Bette fostered for their children and then passed on to their grandchildren. There are even a few great-grandchildren who can attest to the crazy beauty of growing up T/P/K. As someone who didn't happen upon the scene until much later, I was welcomed into the family just as if I'd always been there.

This morning PAPA passed on. To say that he will be missed is an understatement. He has left behind a family that truly loves him and each other. Since this morning, many of the family members have been sharing favorite memories, updating Facebook profile pictures to ones of themselves with PAPA and sending encouraging notes to each other. It is truly great to know that in PAPA's absence, the family will carry on his legacy of love, strength and hilarity.

I know that my blog is regularly fueled by my own thoughts and ramblings but I have to share a few of the statements being shared by PAPA's loved ones. They serve as such a beautiful reminder that in the end, love is all that really matters.

"I love you all, and if there's anything any of us need, let's make sure we lean on the strongest thing Papa gave us.... Each other." - Cousin Sarah


"We are so blessed to have this wonderful crazy family...lets help each other stay strong during this difficult time. Lets celebrate how amazing Papa was & how strong he was...he's with Mormor now [: that alone makes my heart smile" - Sister-in-law Rachel

"A role model to many who had a number of names through the years, to say the least. Bob, Robert, Son, Husband, Father, Friend, Plumber Bob, Scouter Bob, Scout Master Kunz, Flat Top, Papa, Pops, The Duke, Bingo Bob, ALL CAPS BOB, The Man of Steel, and most importantly Dad." - Uncle Scott





We love you PAPA and we're so glad that you and Mormor are reunited in love. We can never thank you enough for all that you've given to us but we promise to live lives full of love, laughter and strength, just like you modeled for us. Love, love, love.

Christmas in July

For some reason today I woke up thinking about the movie It's a Wonderful Life. I used to see it on tv at Christmas time frequently as a kid and then as I grew older, I didn't really have patience for it. In fact, I lost much of my fascination with Christmas as it became increasingly commercialized. My birthday is in early November. When I was really little, Christmas decorations weren't up in stores that soon. Now, I've seen Christmas stuff on shelves as early as the week before Halloween. This past Christmas I finally watched the movie again and its timeless simplicity made me love it all over again. I suppose it also didn't hurt that Alissia loves Christmas and her enthusiasm rekindled mine a bit. (Something I'm sure my mother appreciates as well, as she LOVES Christmas decorations and the possibility exists of me helping her decorate again. :))

When my brother was in elementary school, he was in a school play with a song number called Christmas in July. I can't remember many of the words but it seems fitting for the July blog challenge to have at least one about Christmas. Except that It's a Wonderful Life isn't Really a Christmas movie. It's more about the place of each individual life in the bigger picture. If I stop to think about it, how many peoples' lives would be irreparably different if I hadn't been here?

It's really easy to think of my mistakes, to cite the times when my best at the time wasn't all I could have wished. I know that I'm not alone in that. How many of us really take the time to note the moments where we're perfectly happy with how we showed up? We all have an inner critic, quick to tell us why we aren't good enough. So where is the voice that says, "Remember that time when you really took charge and kept a crisis under control? What about the people who you've taught things to? Oh and even though you conned your little brother into doing your chores sometimes, you also really loved him and looked out for him."

I think the best possible Christmas gift I can give myself this July is a list of my accomplishments. Not necessarily the ones on my resume, or at least not Just those. I'm going to think of the people who I have loved, moved in some way, helped, served. While I'm going to skip morbidly contemplating what the world would look like without me, I am going to think of exactly what the world looks like because of me. I'm going to store that list somewhere I can refer to it when my inner critic is having a field day.

What kinds of things are on your accomplishment list? Do you remember or is it time to sit down and get them down in writing so they aren't as easy to overlook? Feel free to join me in my new July tradition. While I think that this exercise would be worthwhile all the time, I'm specifically committing to attending to it at Least every July. :)

Lemonade Stand

Today GK wanted to go for a walk in the pouring rain. She's developed a new habit of barking whenever she wants to go outside and she couldn't be ignored if you tried. Well, I suppose if you Really tried, but who wants to torture their dog that way just because you don't feel like getting a little wet?

Down the street, some kids had set up a Lemonade Stand but it was unmanned due to the rain. I remembered all the excitement I used to have planning my entrepreneurial adventures (and playing the computer game on super old mac computers in my school's computer lab). I thought of how bummed these children must have been by the unexpected shower.

I then thought of times when I've been really excited for something, only to get the "Not right now" message from the Universe. Sometimes I still pout, not unlike a child. I pack up all my stuff, go home and refuse to try again later. The fact that the stand in its entirety was still out on the street made me think, what if instead of a temper tantrum, I just waited out the rain and went right back out when it was over?

Certainly, children can be more resilient than grownups. They have less scar tissue built up. They don't have memories of hundreds of squashed hopes, they just want to play and have fun. If I could just erase my memory, would I too would feel renewed every time I got a second chance instead of hesitant and bitter?

Amnesia isn't the answer, of course. A much less traumatic solution is to live in the present moment, not dwelling on the past. I know this to be true from the countless times I've managed to do so. So, instead of doing what I might have always done before, today's brand new action, focused on the present is to walk my block again and buy some lemonade. A cure for what ails me, only 50 cents. I'd say that's a pretty good deal.

My Way

Alissia and I once discussed what songs we would like to have played during our memorial services. Mine was Imagine by John Lennon... not overly unique, as I'm sure many people would choose it but it just speaks to me. Alissia's was My Way as performed by Elvis. (Those of you who know her know it couldn't have been anyone else's version but in my head it's a Sinatra song.) I suppose it be considered morbid to plan for your memorial but I'm in the camp that believes that death isn't something to be feared. It's Very sad for those of us left behind by a loved one, to rearrange our lives around their absence, but for the one who has passed, I believe there is great peace.

This blog isn't about death though, I just had the song stuck in my head as I started contemplating today's blog about Reiki. Officially I have been trained as a 6th generation Usui Master. I know symbols in Japanese and even a few in Tibetan (though those aren't part of the Usui tradition) but more importantly, in my own practice I actually have a few symbols that I made up myself.

The first Reiki Master I ever worked with, Michelina Harding, taught me to study tradition but rely upon my intuition. She called this style of reiki "My Way". I've never been that much of a traditionalist in any area of my life, so unsurprisingly this notion spoke to me. As a result, I do many un-orthodox things in my reiki practice. Sometimes I sing, if I feel lyrics pressing themselves into my consciousness. Sometimes I see pictures or think of people. I share these with the person I'm doing reiki on. I do not try to interpret what comes to me. I don't see that as my job. I just share what I see, feel, hear (and sometimes smell) and if there's a meaning in that, the person who the message is for will suss it out, or not. :)

The more I've incorporated these ideas into my practice, the more my reiki has come to feel like a simple extension of who I am on the planet (the good parts, there is no judgment or self doubt in reiki, only love and healing).  Coincidentally, this is how I approach all things spiritual; with an openness to learn and then take with me that which means something and leave the rest. My beliefs are a smorgasbord of all the various paths available on the planet.

Early on, when I first got interested in reiki, a friend cautioned me that "new agey" things were dangerous to Christians. They took focus away from loving Jesus and led down a rabbit hole of weird and unholy practices that did not honor the church. At the time, I promised her that my faith in Jesus was immovable, that there was absolutely no way she'd find me consulting psychics or owning various crystals to strengthen my energy. While reiki does Not intrinsically lead down these paths (I know Several very devout born again Christians who practice reiki, viewing it as similar to the way Jesus laid hands on the sick and they were healed), it did in fact lead me there.

Almost 10 years later, I've found that my spiritual path does not lie soundly within any one religion. I'm a Universalist for lack of a better label, though even that sits a little awkwardly on my shoulders. I do still love Jesus, but when I picture him now, he has his arms around the Dali Lama and Don Miguel Ruiz (just to name a few, there are Countless others). Again, I feel that a spiritual path is incredibly individualized. What works for me might seem like crap, crap, mega crap to you and that's ok. I don't need anyone else to sign off on my beliefs because I don't claim that they are THE way, just My Way.

Snoopy Sno-Cone PART 2

Anika, Sophia, Leo & Finn had a fantastic birthday party. In the goodie bags that they passed out was a cd of some of their favorite songs. I started to listen to it on my drive home and was awash with memories as Winnie the Pooh and Do Re Me from the Sound of Music came through my speakers. These are songs from my childhood and it's sooo great to see another generation enjoying them. I had a cassette tape of the soundtrack for the Sound of Music and I used to listen to it over and over. I was especially found of How do You Solve a Problem Like Maria and So Long, Farewell.

After the party my fiance and I went to Barnes and Noble. We were looking for a new journal for Alissia as well as a copy of the Bhagavad Gita. I felt a little guilty, looking longingly at the leather bound journals knowing full well that I have been cheating on my own journal while I make sure that I blog every day. I need to make a habit of attending to both. Journaling is a beautiful spiritual practice, not to mention its stress relieving potential.

Alissia did find both a new journal and her book but while we were tooling around I found... a Snoopy Sno-Cone Machine. I'd ordered Sophia & Anika's on Amazon but here was another one in front of me. I just couldn't help it. I am now the proud owner of my second very own sno-cone maker. In all likelihood, I will use it once and then set it up as memorabilia but I'm still pretty excited.

So yes, on a Saturday night, I spend my time perusing the kids' toy section at Barnes and Noble. Don't judge me. I always have been and intend to always be easily amused. It's part of my charm. :) Anyone want to come over for a sno-cone?!?!

Tomorrow I have every intention of blogging about Reiki instead of toys, sugar and birthday parties, so if my inner child ramblings are starting to sound like an overstated knock knock joke, come see me tomorrow.