The Balance of No

"Oh and sweety, can you pick up my clothes from the cleaners before you take Timmy to soccer? Thanks, babe. You're the best. Love you, bye!"

CRAP. Another thing on your to-do list that you don't have time for... Where IS that Superwoman cape Kieta keeps babbling about putting down because, damnit, it would come in handy right about now!

Today I want to (re)introduce you to my best friend. No, not my fiancee or coach... the word NO. This little baby has saved me more heartache and headaches than I can count and I know this because ohhh my holy god did I used to fear it.

For the longest time I ran around trying to do any and everything people asked/expected of me because, DUH, I Needed them to Like me. Stay late at work, pick up your shift, let you leave work early, do your report for you, clean out your email inbox... the requests were endless and I did most of them or felt Incredibly guilty if I just couldn't swing it.

I wish I could honestly claim that my heart was in the right place and that I Joyfully went about all of these tasks, but since I was so tired and not respecting my own needs I was frequently unhappy, cranky and resentful. Is it any wonder that burn out was right around the corner?

As I write this I'm truly amused because looking back at this exact same time in my life I was responsible for teaching program participants and my staff members about Boundaries. I understood them in theory. Still do... they can just be harder to implement.



A good friend of mine just asked me some questions about boundaries and I went back and found something I wrote all those years ago. It seems like a good idea to share just a little bit of it with you here:

The most basic boundary setting word is no. It lets others know that you exist apart from them and that you are in control of you. For example, if you value honesty, then you have decided that honest interactions are a part of who you truly are and dishonest interactions are not. If someone then asks you to lie and cover for them so that they do not face consequences such as getting kicked out of their housing or losing their job it is an authentic expression of who you are to tell them that no, you will not support them in that way because it would not be honest. However, to give in and help them lie would be to dishonor who you have decided to be.

Unfortunately, we often get confused about our right to be ourselves in our desire to help others. Helping someone avoid negative consequences might seem like the nice or loving thing to do. However, when you have to go against your own values to help someone, you are denying the very nature of who you are. You are also doing them an injustice by keeping them from the opportunity to learn about themselves and life in persevering through the consequences of their choices.

Ok, so I was right on about the part of my right to say no when someone asked me to do something that wholeheartedly flew in the face of my values... but what about saying no simply because I was tired, needed a break or just plain didn't want to? Are those valid reasons to turn down a friends' request to help them move or attend their girls night out dinner party that doesn't even start until after my bedtime?

I used to believe the answer to that question was no. That I needed to suck it up, be helpful or sociable or whatever else because I owed it to the world to be a nice, kind and friendly version of myself who didn't disappoint people. For those of you who I have told no recently, you're probably struggling to make this picture fit, but I promise, it was true. I was the epitome of someone burning the candle at both ends.

What was missing for me (and I suspect if you're honest with yourself you'll see it's missing for you too if you find yourself in the same boat) was a concrete understanding of my own value. I'm not saying I'm too good to help move or show up to dinner parties, just that those things aren't always in my own best interest and if I don't guard my own best interest, who is going to keep being kind, sociable and helpful? Sometimes the best gift I can give is an honest no or no thank you and trust my friends/family/coworkers to respect me enough to not hate me for it. If I never speak up, how are they even supposed to know?!?

Stay tuned for another blog post where I talk about my-go to ways for phrasing No so that it doesn't remind me of the sound of my parents thwarting my teenage willfulness. This post has already gotten a little long. :)


Need a little more help figuring out what to say No to and how to do it? Click here to book a complimentary Discovery Session with me today. In our hour together, we can discover what it is you truly want, what is keeping you from having it and what needs to shift to get you there. Hopefully we'll laugh and bond over a shared view of the world too, but that's optional.


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