The Last Laugh

I just read the most wonderful book. I know that those of you who know me know that I read books all the time. I re-read favorites frequently. It's generally a good bet that if I'm not talking with friends about great stuff I've read in a book, I'm reading more books. So when I say "the most wonderful book", that should communicate a high level of praise indeed.

The Last Laugh by Arjuna Ardagh is a novel that teaches great spiritual lessons, not unlike The Way of the Peaceful Warrior or The Celestine Prophecy. The truths expressed in the book are actually fairly similar to many different books I've read already. To name a few, the book highlights the need to remain in the present moment, forgive freely and respond to life rather than react. These aren't new concepts, of course. Spiritual masters have been talking about these concepts for thousands of years. What impresses me so very much about this book is the prose, its language often reading like a lyrical poem.

"I had vague memories, like images out of focus, of a time of optimism." and "We were on a small, two-lane road, very straight, lined by tall yew trees standing naked to the sky, like anorexic models." These phrases cued me in to the fact that I was reading not just fiction but literature. My undegrad program at ASU made a big deal about the difference. If I had to sum up what I think the difference is, I'd say that literature steps up the act of storytelling into an art, where the subject matter isn't as catchy as pop culture and the words are chosen carefully to paint a picture rather than just throwing facts at a reader you don't trust to read between the lines. What Ardagh offers us here is beautifully artistic and yet unpretentious. There are more swear words in this book than any spiritual books I've ever read before, but that just makes the story real. How many of us, even those with the purest seeking hearts, wouldn't swear if your life hit such a low that you were actively committing suicide?

After I finished the book, I read the brief biography of Ardagh and learned that he has a Master's degree in Literature and suddenly the pieces fit. This is definitely a book for my friends who love to read, without being too elitest for those who just want to have a little fun. I will undoubtedly be re-reading this book for years to come. Friends can borrow my copy if they can't afford one of their own, but for those of you who I haven't met, I encourage you to get your own copy... Yesterday. This is one of the best books you haven't read yet.

*I received this book for free from Hay House Publishing for review purposes.

Remember ME

A couple of days ago Alissia told me about a great conversation she had with one of her clients who is only 15. Many things led up to the point I want to share, but out of respect for their privacy, I just want to share the part that really spoke to me. Alissia asked her client how she wanted to be remembered when she died and after some thought her answer was "Whole-hearted." What a beautiful answer. When I was 15, I was much more concerned with being well liked. It's not that I wasn't still nice, helpful, funny or any of the other adjectives that have been used to describe me, just that I had an insatiable desire for the approval of others. I didn't yet know how to approve of myself and let the rest go.

This also got me thinking about our lives, others' opinions of us and what really matters. I used to live in constant fear that other people might think about me the same way I thought about me. My worst nightmare was to have someone say aloud the things which I told myself, about myself over and over in my head. I had a bad habit of focusing only on the negative. In fact, I'm sitting here thinking that this was something that I worked on intensely years ago when I started working to love and accept body but actually, I'm reminded of a conversation I had with my mom during the Omega 4 workshop where I met Alissia. Another participant had made me incredibly angry and I was being very harsh with myself for being in the midst of a self knowledge workshop and judging so critically. (It didn't occur to me that I was judging myself even more harshly.) I was truly heart broken that I found myself in a place of Knowing how I wanted to be in the world and failing, ONCE AGAIN, to live it.

I described myself as a bad person and my mom just looked at me like I was nuts. In that moment, I had no awareness of good things I had done, people I had helped, smiles I had caused. It was such a narrow and biased picture of myself that my mom didn't even recognize the description as fitting me. (Oh Thank God for the people in our lives who see us even when, no especially when, we can't see ourselves!!)

I have not always been loving, trusting, truthful or giving but that does not mean that I never have been either. When I die, people aren't going to stand up and say "Oh that Kieta. She could have been great but instead she mainlined sugar, procrastinated on her opportunities and was not very responsible with money." No, that's what my inner critic would say but I know that the people who have loved me would honor the moments when I managed to show up as ME. The less than positive stuff, and we all have our share, doesn't get brought up at The End so why do I dwell so hard on it now?

I am so much more than I let myself hope (and so are YOU but I try to keep this blog to my truth). I was created to be GREAT but often settle for great. What blockades have I placed in my life, via self judgment, that limit the Universe from working through me fully? What would my life look like if I just let go? I have many ideas but I think now is a time to let go of thinking and just Be. I'll let you know what happens after that. :)

Back in the New York Groove

Lately, I have been making time for everything but writing my blog. Time for moping, fear, doubt, busy work, even productive stuff that has to be done but not my blog. A couple people have asked me where it has been. My bbf has been in the wings encouraging me to get back to it and yet, I just haven't wanted to. Last night, Alissia asked me why I haven't been doing it when it was something I really loved to do. She reminded me of when I experienced a great sense of joy from posting daily and it felt like a lifetime ago, instead of just a little over a week.

I'd started to feel like the blog was just another obligation. Something I didn't want to do and "should". When I stopped to think about why I now felt dread and resistance to writing my blog a conversation from a week ago popped into my head. Someone who had read several of my blog posts offered some feedback on my writing style. Essentially, their take was that I come here to ramble, not necessarily engage in the art of blog writing. In the moment, I didn't give it  a lot of thought. Friday was such a busy day that when I didn't make time to post, I truly just attributed it to everything else going on.

When I wrote my post on Monday, about Sunday's big farm adventure, I found myself continually looking at how many paragraphs there were and thinking, "This is much too long. No one is going to want to read all of this. How can I pare this story back so I stop wasting peoples' time?"

Now to be clear, I am not blaming this change of spirit on the person who offered the feedback. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion and I know that they didn't offer it with the intention of hurting my feelings. The much bigger problem here is that, without even noticing, I let my inner critic pick up that piece of feedback and begin to change how *I* feel about my writing. I became invested in someone else's truth instead of my own and I wasn't even aware of it.

I've made no claims to writing anything brilliant here. I've never said, "This blog will provide spiritual enlightenment in 5 minutes or less, if read every day." This is simply where I come to examine what inspires, distracts, motivates, discourages, informs my lifelong goal of just being ME. I do hope that my transparency helps those who read it, but then again, that doesn't really have anything to do with me. I come here to share my spiritual path and what you do with my rambling is your choice. I don't claim to have THE TRUTH, but I do come here to share MY truth. This blog might never change the world, but it Is helping to change me... into ME. I can't think of a better use for a writing platform and I'm recommitting to writing daily... here, the other blog or wherever I feel like I need to, but no more of this once a week nonsense. That's not ME. :)

Life on the Farm

Sunday morning we woke up to a phone call from Alissia's aunt. Something about a cottage on a farm that someone was renting out about a mile away from her house. It was "old and outdated" but it made her think of us a month ago and she'd just not gotten around to calling. The rent is lower than our apartment and on the same side of Chicago as all of Alissia's family. Lately, we have been out there every single weekend, despite the fact that it's 45 minutes away. So, without an address, contact information or anything more than a sense of exploration, we decided to get in the car and just go look. We both love historic houses, tall trees, peaceful solitude. We love our current apartment too, but while talking of ways to cut expenses, the thought of moving had already been brought up.

We got lost on our way out west. Alissia hadn't been to her aunt's neighborhood in about 10 years. We had to call Aunt Tammy for directions twice. When we finally located the almost invisible gravel circle drive, we saw an old farm caretaker house surrounded by lots of grass and trees. There was an enormous barn off to the side and horse stables on the other, with a beautifully maintained vegetable garden in between. The energy of the place was Amazing. We circled the house a few times in the car but there were no signs about the place being for rent or a contact number. Eventually we got out and knocked on the door but no one answered. We could hear classical music playing inside and thought that perhaps someone was there working. It was clear that no one currently lived there, but who knew if the new tenant just hadn't moved in yet? Just as we were getting Graceland back into the car and figuring we'd ask Aunt Tammy if she could do some recon, a car pulled into the circular drive behind us.

"Are you looking for Elizabeth?" a woman asked me. I was afraid she was the new tenant and we were trespassing on her beautiful space. My heart was in my throat.
"Are you renting this place?
"No."
"Well, we were told that this place was for rent. Someone saw a sign or something, but now we can't find a sign and we have no idea who to contact."
"Oh, well, then you are looking for Elizabeth. She owns this place. Get back in your car and follow me and I'll take you to her."

It turns out that this woman, whose name was Kathy, had been interested in renting the cottage but her house failed to sell and she had to back out. She was bringing her grandchildren to see it, because she still loved it, even though she wasn't going to live there. We followed her to another nearly invisible gravel drive which led to a Huge house, several fields and another caretaker house. When Kathy got ahold of Elizabeth by phone, she came out and Kathy explained where she had found us.

"Sign? I've never had a sign up for that place. I'm very private."
"Ummm, well, our Aunt told us that the place was for rent, so we just drove over to check it out."
"Well, what exactly is it that you're looking for?"

Well, isn't That the question of the weekend. I explained that we currently lived in Evanston in an apartment but had a large dog who might like some more frequent outside time. Elizabeth went around the car to meet Graceland and was instantly in love. She asked about what I do for a living. Oh great, more questions I don't have good answers for. I told her that I'm a Reiki Master and a Life Coach and starting a business in those areas. She let me know that in no uncertain terms could I run a business out of the house. The farm has been in her family since the 1930s, the last holdout while subdivisions bought up the land around it and created a village. She does anything and everything she can to protect her "Sanctuary". Despite the fact, that I had in fact, been thinking of meeting clients in my home I promised her that I would find somewhere else to practice. I could tell that this place was worth protecting.

After she visited with Kathy for a few minutes and returned a couple phone calls, Elizabeth took us over to see the house. It's 2 1/2 bedrooms, 1 bath, and Old with lots of natural light and the most tranquil energy I've felt outside of camping in the middle of the woods. I LOVE it. Alissia LOVES it. Elizabeth was pleased that we both got the "spirit" of the house. She said that if the Universe wanted us there, we would figure out a way to make my business run. She also said that while the official name of the cottage was something very practical, she had renamed it the "Grace and Integrity" cottage and thought that perhaps one day she would hand paint a sign to indicate this.

We left with promises to call her once we figured out if we could make everything work. It didn't take long for us to decide to contact our current landlord and let him know of our intent to break our lease. As long as we find a replacement tenant, we don't even have to pay a penalty. We have an ad up on Craigslist and so far, two people have expressed interest in coming to see our apartment. It's unexpected, it might be a little crazy, but I don't think I've ever been so excited about something in my whole life and I'm reminded that most of the time, the Universe operates outside of what I think is possible or makes sense. This gives me infinitely more hope for my job search and business goals. God is GOOD.

TCB (Taking Care of Business)

First day of the bravery challenge. So far the Facebook group is filled with great comments, sharing, vulnerability and motivation. I'm definitely in the right place. I needed to surround myself with others taking big steps to help remind myself of my own ability to TCB (take care of business).

Yep, I have on Bachman Turner Overdrive and I'm about to head out to face my day and the positive changes I'm ready to work on. The first step of the challenge though, is to journal about your motivations... fear or love? I figured whatever comes to me in these musings would be pretty appropriate for sharing. So many people in my life are working on big changes. I hope that my transparency is helpful.

Most of my life, my efforts have been motivated by fear. I wanted people to like me, to have a certain view of me. I felt I needed to Earn love and approval and I did not take good care of myself in that process. I cringe when I think of some of the things I used to say to myself to "motivate" movement or change.

I can honestly say that the changes on my plate now are from my passion. I love to teach, work one-on-one having amazing conversations and share what the Universe has taught me with others. I've been doing that last bit through my blog, but from a very safe space. I'm not face to face with someone who could reject me, I'm not attempting to charge for my services. Safe, safe, safe and tired, tired, tired.

I know who I am and what I am supposed to be doing. That's certainly more than I've ever had at any point prior to this but I'm still quite scared. The difference now is this is more a feeling of nervous anticipation, the butterflies in my stomach before diving off the starting blocks. (I swam in high school so my personal sports metaphors come from that realm, feel free to rearrange to your athletic or nonathletic endeavor of choice.) In fact, I think it took me until just this moment to really Know the difference. I've been thinking that stepping out in this way, making reiki and coaching my profession, scared me but I was just confused. I'm on to something great and I just have to put in the work to make it happen.

Taking care of business, every day. Taking care of business, every way.

And with that, if you'll excuse me, I have some business to attend to. :)